• This Issue
• About US
• Subscribe
• Search
• Archives
  • Conrad Black

Dear Dick Cheney

As your career, as the Vice President of the United States, enters its final throes, the thoughts of your legacy must be a consideration. Surely you don't want to be remembered for the quagmire that is Iraq, for mistaking the face of a grown adult for that of a tiny flightless bird or for those plump no-bid Halliburton contracts. Dick, it's obvious to The Toronto Tribune that you are up to your old tricks: invading a country for oil.

As an oilman you must be aware that Canada has vast untapped natural resources including your favorite: oil. Our home is the largest country geographically in the world stretching from the 49th Parallel to the North Pole. Recently a few foreign countries have sniffed the oil and refused to recognize Canada's sovereignty over her vast oil resources. Given your track record, we're a little concerned that Canada will catch your eye, if it hasn't already. Being peace loving Canadians our solution is simple, The Toronto Tribune wants to invite you to come to Canada and personally hunt for all the oil you want in the cold North Tundra.

Knowing your penchant for finding an specific enemy to loath, such as Hussein and Bin-Laden it's obvious that you will target the most powerful Canadian resident for your ire. He's a perfect choice, he is known to create WMDs. He has followers all over the world that hang on his opinion. NORAD watches every time he leaves his complex, you must be aware of the reports. An agency of the Canadian government is known to intercept his correspondence. This man is so powerful he has his own postal code. Now that's power! He's perfect for you to begin your campaign to capture Canada's Oil. Unlike Hussein, when you declare "there is no doubt that [this man] now has WMD's," it would be the truth. Claus and his personal army of followers spend every day making Wonders of Mass Delight for children the world over.

Dick, leave the jolly old guy alone and let the US Army focus on the mess you've made in Iraq. Catch a flight, come on up to Canada and hunt for oil in the frozen tundra yourself. Our only request is that you purchase a one way ticket.

With our kindest regards,

The Toronto Tribune